Ashamed.

Blogging about my very personal life and feelings is out of the norm for me, however I need some kind of release and since my bestfriends' response was just "I guess" I will rely on this. I'll cut to the chase. I was recently informed by Mark that he is going to quit his dispatching job and return to school for paramedic classes. I am so happy that he has made the decision to get out of that shit hole ass job and go into the field an although it isn't right away it's still the best idea. However, at the same time, I am concerned for not just him, but for ANYONE who is planning on quitting any job during this time. I have a strong belief that the economy is not going to get any better anytime soon. This shit just doesn't turn around over night one day with people getting tons of job offers, businesses being completely restored, and the economy in full bloom. Unfortunately, my concern was taken completely out of context and I have virtually been called a "Gold Digger". A label I am ashamed of. Receiving a label that is so demeaning is very hurtful to me. I try to do everything in my power to prevent portraying myself as this. I work hard, I have two jobs that I pick up extra hours for whenever possible. I pay my bills on time. I refuse to borrow money. I have an EXTREMELY HARD TIME allowing ANYONE to pay for ANYTHING for me. I feel horrible, especially with Mark, because we have already had a discussion just recently about how terrible I feel for allowing him to pay for the Mexico trip before I gave him any money for it, how terrible I feel because he always buys everything and refuses to let me pay for stuff, and how guilty I feel. I stress about money everyday so much so that I go out of my way to NOT look at my bank account. I have seriously considered receiving therapy in hopes of doing away with the amount of stress and worry that I feel on a daily basis. To be question about my intentions when I express concern about him quitting a job makes me sick to my stomach. I am deeply offended and hurt so much so that my first instinct is [not was but still] to flatline. I take pride in my hard-work and my determinism and to be called a Gold Digger destroys that and the only way I can think of to restore my reputation as not one is to just pay Mark back as soon as I can for this Mexico trip and be on my own. It seems as though I have become dependent and for me it's a shocking discovery. Harsh realities to face but I guess I welcome them because they make me a better person. =\