Wednesday, July 29, 2009
My ma found out today that her great aunt passed away. She was informed that her death is under investigation because authorities believe that she was beaten to death. According to I think my ma's Aunt Mae, the old folks home called and asked my family members if they could place her on hospice. My family asked why, they were wondering if she was dying of something. They just told them no. After that she was found dead. I don't know the whole circumstances or anything but I'm surprised that this touched my family. I did not know her or anything but it's just crazy how old folks are treated in those resident homes. I wish I could say that I would never put my parents into one of them but I can't say that for certain. I don't know what my circumstances will be like once they get that old. I don't know if I will have the time and money to take care of them. I wish I could say that I never would especially because of everything that they do for me, but honestly I would my best to try and make their lives as easy, convenient, and comfortable as I could and if that means putting them into an old folks home then that's it. I definitely visit often and ensure that nothing was going wrong. I definitely think my Dad's family should have put my Grandpa into an old folks home. He was dangerous. He was a taxi driver and he picked up this same client every day and when his Alzheimer's got the best of him he would still go and try to pick the guy up. How do I know this. . .the guy lives in the same neighborhood as ours. His house was a nasty disaster. He did not take care of himself. My family members on that side did really nothing to watch out for him or take care of him. It was really quite sad. My Dad was of course devastated when he had a heart attack and died but in a way I was relieved. He didn't have to suffer from Alzheimer's anymore. He didn't have to suffer. I was angry with my Dad and his sister's, of course one was so drugged and alcohol'd up there was no way she was going to do anything, for not doing anything to take care of him. My cousin tried to do the best he could while he wasn't in jail. It just is sad.
I've been thinking about going to visit his and my Grandma's grave. I was never that close with them because I was so young when they died, especially my Grandma. She took care of us though when we were little. I remember always watching The Price is Right with her and all the daytime drama's. I think they would appreciate a visitor up there in heaven and I know my brother and sister won't be going anytime soon. They're just like my parents. . .act cordial with family and get together only on holidays and for kids birthdays, force the niceness, other than that NO COMMUNICATION WHATSOEVER. A couple Christmas' ago I was so pissed with my family because apparently even coming together is an extreme hassle. No one wants to go to anyone's house because they actually have to drive somewhere. OMG BIG FUCKIN' DEAL. . .at least we all live in the same fuckin' state. As much as I don't want my family, when I get one [hahaha get like its a consolation prize in the big competition of life], to be like how my family is now I know it's going to be. I'm not going to want to see the rest of my family because they don't really care to see my family. As long as no one has died or has a serious disease, we don't give a fuck what you're doing with your life. That's so pathetic. I wish my family was closer. Oh well. . .we're dysfunctional but we're definitely not the worst.
Monday, July 27, 2009
I'm really looking forward to some of the upcoming movie releases. District 9 looks very interesting. Definitely a must see. Holmes is a definite must see. . .the action looks awesome in it and they had some quirky comedy that I liked. I'm definitely going to see Whip It [more along the lines of a chic flick] directed by Drew Barrymore with D.B., Ellen Page, and Eve. I'm also interested in seeing The September Issue which brings the audience into the behind the scenes creation of Vogue.
I'm definitely going to see Halloween 2 directed by Rob Zombie. Not only does Zombie put out some good Horror Movies but this one seems like it is going to explain the story some more or better at least so I'm really intrigued by the previews. I'm definitely very hyped up for Alice in Wonderland unfortunately I have to wait for sooo long until it comes out. Ugh that's annoying. There's a couple in theatres right now that I want to see like The Proposal and the one with Heigl as she is being taught to learn how to put herself out there more I guess. I can't remember the name of it right now though. I don't even need to see the whole preview for The Book of Eli. . .it also should be a definite must see. I'm interested in the preview for Despicable Me too. . .I think that will be a fun movie.
Finally Michael Moore is coming out with a new movie entitled Capitalism. I do not necessarily support or agree with Mr. Moore on all his topics and beliefs, however I am interested in what he has to say. . .so therefore I am definitely interested in watching this.
If you know about the festival I guess you can call it that Comic Con you know why this woman is dressed in the way that she is. I totally would go and dress up for this thing and all cuz I think it would be fun and entertaining. . .however this frightens me. This is morally unacceptable for society and we should shun her.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Mark's car got broken into today. They broke out his passenger side window and stole his ipod, his ipod fm transmiter, and his amp in broad daylight. It happened around like 2-5 pm. The thieves had time to unscrew and unhook his amp and take it without damaging anything. Couple fingers prints were left on the window of the right back side but nothing that they'll actually use I'm sure. A unit didn't even come out. . .Mark had to report it online and I guess it takes up to 72 hours for them to get around to it. Needless to say, what he thought would be a safe and secure apartment neighborhood turned out to not be anywhere near it. Fuckin' bastards. Not really in the best of moods so I'm just gonna go bounce around the internet.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Of how critical we are of the stars. I'm tired of seeing people knocking everything a person says, does, wears, thinks, etc etc etc. They're made to entertain us in a positive way. They're not just there for us to cut down and make ourselves feel better about ourselves. If they have fake boobs then fuck they weren't happy with the body God gave them and so they changed it so they could be happy. However shallow that may seem to certain people it don't matter. It ain't your fuckin body so jump off it. If they make sex videos and shit, that's their private business. Who cares what they do in the privacy of their own home?!?!? How would you feel if everything you did that you wanted to be private was deliberately exploited on a day to day basis? Why is it such a sin for them to have sex and to tape something they find sexy or pleasing. How come if a star changes their style or cuts their hair or gets a little bigger or has an eating disorder we see it as the greatest crime they can commit AGAINST US? Why do a lot of us act like just because of what they have done our lives will forever be changed in the worst possible way? "Solange shaved her head and I'm so enraged and disgusted with it". . .did you lose your job, have your pay docked, get demoted. . .anything that lead to the personal destruction of an aspect in your life as a result of her actions? No, THEN FUCKING LEAVE HER ASS ALONE! Many of us have apparently failed to realize a major important life lesson. People are going to do WHAT THE FUCK THEY WANT TO DO. Regardless of how it affects your life, even if it does affect your life, you're life is going to keep on trucking along. Just because you decided to make them feel like shit because of something they did, like getting a boob job or cutting off their hair or making a sex video does not mean that they're going to think twice about it the next time something similar comes up. The one thing that will change is how they go about doing it.
In a few short words. . .everyone is trying to be FAMOUS. But I believe that once they get there they regret it to some extent. Once famous, every aspect of your life is on display. You may be striving to be a good role model and just because you had a "dark moment" in your bedroom with your loved one you're suddenly ostracized. FUCK THAT! I NEVER EVER WANT TO BE FAMOUS! I could not deal with the publicity. I do not want anyone up in my life telling everyone else about every fucking move I make, every sound I make, every thought I have etc etc etc. Get the fuck off people's nuts. Focus on getting your life together and living it to the fullest. . .because I'm pretty positive that if that's what you focus on instead of how devastating it was for you when Solange shaved her head. . .you're going to enjoy life just that much more.
Awesome-ness. I will be taking four classes this semester. One online, one on Tuesday and Thurs the others on Mon and Wed. I finally got into the final two classes I need to stay on track to graduate on time. I had to be signed in manually because Metro's registration process is fuckin' retarded. Still no post on the grades for the summer but I don't think I have access to those until the 7th of Aug.
The first weekend in August Mark, Kyle, and Tristin want to go to Nebraska again, from like thur thru Mon. I'm so disappointed because there is no way that I can get that Friday off. All the relief bailiffs are working so there is no one that can take my shift except for the new girl and she more than likely will not be able to work by herself, especially in the division that she will be working in. I want to go really bad though. I could just call in sick both days. Thursday I'm only working a half day and I'm sure they can get that covered, just Friday would kind of suck for them cuz one division would be short. On the other side I could definitely use the money and even though they have been assholes to me lately, I still would feel bad calling in. We'll see. What's nice is that when I "call in" I don't have to call in. . .I can just actually send an email to my boss and the lead bailiff telling em I'm sick and won't be able to make it in since neither one of them ever answer their phones. I think that's probably what I'm going to end up doing. My last vacation before I really get my shit together for school and crunch down on my focus.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
As I experienced a split second panic attack earlier tonight about financial aid and making sure that I had the money to pay this year's school, I have definitely realized that my anxiety over money is no where near where I had bragged about it being. The feeling of suffocation, the feeling of imminent failure, the feeling of not knowing what is going on with my life are all so terrifying to me. I feel like I have recently lost a lot of my hardworking, determination, organization, multi-tasking skills. I feel like I don't have nearly as many expectations of myself and therefore my grades have slipped, my work ethic has slipped, my attitude has slipped. I find myself continuously forgetting things that I need to do. I procrastinate which is a pet peeve of mine. I don't know if all this is a result of just the summer and I was dying for vacation and since I went to Mexico and Nebraska and had a more open schedule I lost all the things that I prided myself on. I'm more than just disappointed with myself with my online class for this summer. I was not paying attention to due dates, I was not applying myself as much, I missed a quiz, I missed a FREAKIN MIDTERM! I expect so much better of myself. I do not believe that I have lowered my standards in any kind of way and I strongly believe that I should not fall into that trap that is so tempting. I know my true capabilities and I know that there are several things that are adding up to the loss of my focus, my hard work, and so much more. It is so easy to get distracted in life but for me distraction costs me emotionally and mentally. I do not want to let up on everything that I have worked so hard for already. There's no way in hell I can allow myself to be lured into laziness. I liked to be frightened however there are certain things in life that I do not like to be scared of. Failure and money are the top two things that are so interrelated that there is no 1 and 2 or a and b. . .they are one. If I feel I'm experience troubles with one then I have problems with the other as well. I'm hoping that my realization in my faulty ways will jerk me back onto the road I know I need to be on. . .it is not a journey to get back onto this road it's just a matter of switching lanes so to speak. Hopefully. . .as I begin to address the problems that have brought me onto another path, these problems will run together and I will not have to address each one individually.
Monday, July 20, 2009
I've noticed recently that the anxiety that I was experiencing over money has declined a considerable amount. I think this may be a result of my never looking at my account and therefore never truly knowing how much money is in my bank. Obviously, this is probably the worst possible way that I could go about making my self feel better but I can't afford any serious help. It also helps that I'm living at home and not paying bills and junk except for my phone bill and my insurance. I'm glad to say that I definitely do not have fits of overwhelming fear of being completely broke, being in debt, and more. I definitely know that there are problems still lingering there. I just think that I have succeeded at pushing the anxiety all the way to the back of my mind. At one point I considered getting help for it because I thought that I truly had Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I am definitely relieved that I am no longer crying myself to sleep or crying in front of people because I am too scared to spend my money. It was so embarrassing. I use to have to really work to convince myself to go out and do things with people that cost money because of how anxious I felt about spending any money. I've tried to overcome the whole never looking at my bank account by putting a program on my i-pod that would force me into doing it however I did not like the feelings it gave me so I stopped. Plus I kind of had a hard time understanding some of the stuff it required and so therefore just gave up on it. My mom has tried to talk me into using QuickBooks and junk for myself since I already have experience working with the program from a job that I had but I manage to come up with some excuse to avoid it every time. I was doing a really good job at saving money with my savings account but I found myself transferring more money from it then into it. I owe Mark 420 for my laptop right now. On top of that, I owe $100 for medical expenses. The trips we've been taking this summer haven't been encouraging me to save money. . .however I am truly proud to say that I have not been spending a ton of money on shopping, especially on things I do not need. I don't know how else to help myself right now though but at least I've made a lot of progress from where I was.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
While I transfer these songs. . .I have decided to make a list of all the places I want to go or do in life. There is no particular order to this list to a just random throwing together of everything.
1. Skinny Dipping
2. Go to Germany
3. Go to China
4. Go to Australia
5. Learn to surf
6. White water raft
7. Go to Egypt
8. Visit the 7 wonders of the world
9. Drive the West Coast not the whole thing but like part of Cali to Washington and junk
10. Visit Canada
11. Visit Amsterdam again
12. See Nickelback in concert
13. See Michael Buble in concert
14. Visit Brazil, Chile, Puerto Rico, Cuba
15. Visit India
16. Oktober Fest in Germany
17. Visit Spain
18. Take a real safari trip in Africa
uhm seeing as though I'm on the last cd for the night that I will be copying I will be putting this list on hold til another day. [=
I'm doing this probably the hardest way possible but at the moment this is the only way that I think is available to me until I can get a hard drive to help me transfer faster. Basically what I'm doing is transferring what songs I have on cd's that are on my old lap top onto my new lap top. So far. . .I've only made it through 185 songs of 1396 total on my old computer. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. . .this is going to take FOREVER!
I think that I sometimes suffocate Mark with my presence. He's never complained about it or said anything directly to me so I'm not exactly sure but since I don't get a long with some of his friends anyways I definitely need to branch out to my friends again. I kind of have just like dropped them which is ridiculously unacceptable. I miss Jaleesa, Jasmine, and Rachael. . .I especially miss Tina but since she's in Cali I have to settle without her. I'm in the process of making plans with Jaleesa for this weekend though and I want to wait to see Jasmine at her baby shower but at the same time I kind of don't because we haven't seen each other in so long and it's kind of sad how we just fell off. I just don't want to have to deal with her trying to blame only me for the fact that we don't hang out anymore. Some of the people she hangs out with specifically JC and Terrell get on my nerves and I don't like to be around them plus that aren't really the type of people that I need to be surrounding myself since I want to become a cop. So me ignoring those two is essential but they are friends of hers so it's hard to get just her and not them too. I just miss her, I don't miss the lifestyle I had when I was always with her. I'm positive she has calmed down though since she's prego and all. I'm really excited for her but I don't think it's the wisest decisions of course. The dad isn't the greatest role model and already has a son by another girl although he is a very nice guy he just isn't what I would consider as someone to have a baby with. Anyways, it's her decision and she can afford it and if she thinks she is ready for it then I will absolutely support her. Just the fact that I feel like I'm tearing Mark away from his friends because we don't get along makes me miss my friends and makes me realize I need them, stupid of me to have forgotten. I think I'll make some cards for them. hahahah be all sentimental and apologetic. It's not all my fault but hey someone has to make the effort and if we are both thinking a long the same lines of it's the others fault that we fell off we aren't going to make things better so I'm willing to swallow my own pride and chalk it up to my own ignorance.
Of the old woman "Mean Girls Clique" at my job. On Friday, I was reported by a fellow coworker for wearing an inappropriate shirt. I knew I was reported by her because a friend of mine that also works there overheard her discussing my outfit and how she deemed it inappropriate and would be reporting me. I was wearing a pink tank top with gold sequins that are on the top sleeves only. The tank top was pulled up so that it was not hanging low and therefore it was not revealing. My manager called me into her office and addressed my top. She told me "It was inappropriate attire." I asked what was inappropriate about it, was I not allowed to wear tank tops or what. She said "No. The tank top style is allowed and you are allowed to wear bright colors, however the sequins are inappropriate." As there is a minimal amount of sequins I questioned the honesty behind this. She continued saying "Frankly, now don't take offense to this but, you look like a defendant. You look like you are going out for a night on the town." I was deeply offended by her defendant comment. I feel like she was insinuating that I look like a criminal, or I look trashy, or I look unfit to be working there. I then confronted my manager on the issue of what I was told about being reporter. I asked her if I had been reported and if so by whom? She responded that no one had reported me but that it was something that she just noticed. I thought this weird and asked her why she noticed today because I have worn the shirt many times before and have not received a complaint about it before. I told her I knew that someone had reported me because I had overheard that someone was going to. She said no, no one had reported me then asked what I had heard. I told her the same as above that I was told that someone would be reporting me. She said again that no one had reported me that it was just something she had noticed. I again confronted her saying that I did not understand because there were several other people wearing the same style shirt and they had not been addressed. Another bailiff Sandy was wearing a yellow tank top with a black bra showing underneath and then a probation officer was wearing a teal, low cut, scrunched tank top. I then walked out of her office FURIOUSLY PISSED! Her policies are inconsistent and unfair. She has different standards for those who are among her clique and those have take precedence. One of the bailiffs wears whatever she wants and looks like trash majority of the time. We have a business casual dress code and today she was wearing a t shirt with drawings and words and sequins all over it that is inappropriate. She also wears a brown raggedy jacket with hood [not allowed] with sequins. I have been reprimanded for wearing a plain grey jacket with no visible hood. I am in the middle of building up my report with pictures and junk so I can report it.
However, Sandy came in and explained to me today that this is nothing new for this job. She is the sweetest thing but they have been harassing her for some time. They draw pictures of cows and leave them on her desk and pictures of stretchy pants with 22 inch waist wrote on them calling her fat [which she isn't]. They left a voicemail on her phone calling her a slut and accusing her of sleeping around with particular judges, city attorneys, and more because she refused to go to drinks with them one night because she had a date. They made her date a scandalous situation even though she is single. She is reporting them now because she was standing in the hall with one of them when another one walked by, hit her in the head with a stack of papers, smiled at her little accomplice seemingly happy with her actions and knowing that it gave her accomplice pleasure as well. What's said is that a judge is actually involved in these actions. It's a judge, a court reporter or two, a couple of bailiffs, my manager I don't know her title, and a receptionist for the city attorneys. It's so surprising how far high school and middle school behavior extends out into the real world. I'm not surprise to be experiencing this behavior in a way though because I am expecting to be harassed when I become an officer simply because I am a woman. Oh well. People will quickly learn that I am not easily scared or intimidated and that I don't stand for this type of behavior. These old ass hags will not run me off the job like they have done to two other people that started working there the same time that I started working there. If anything, they're going to face their greatest challenge in me. Everything they do and say will not be recorded. I am bringing cameras and tape recorders to work and I will make an effort to make sure they know that what they are doing, how they are behaving, is unacceptable in my eyes and that I am not the type of person they should have started trying to walk all over. Karma is bitch and when enough reports get stacked up on their asses. . .eventually something is going to be done. . .even if I have to go to the head of the whole court and point it out to her myself the shit that is going on in her court.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Harry Potter was super awesome! It left me feeling like the book left me. . .that I desperately need more. I can't wait for the next one of course. In the mean time, I will definitely be brushing up on the books because I couldn't really remember a whole lot of this book so I didn't really know if anything was left out, however Mark said they only left out a couple things so I trust that. I loved going to see it with all the die hard fans. The movie experience is just that much better because they all respect it so much that there is no way anyone is going to deliberately ruin the movie by being annoying or loud or have their cellphone on during the movie [=.
I finished my Stats class today. I'm sure that I ended up with a C at least. I am in the process of finishing my social psych online class tonight. I am planning on taking the final later tonight since I just took two of the quizzes like ten minutes ago I figure I should give myself like a 30-45 minute break so I don't get burnt out on effort while taking the final. I am expecting a C in this class as well however I have to put a lot of effort into the final since I missed the midterm and a quiz. I'm pretty disappointed with my performance in this class this semester. I am usually really good about online classes but not this time for some reason. I think because the chapters in the book were so long it was hard for me to remain focused, especially since we were reading two chapters a week. That sucked. Also, traveling a lot this summer didn't really help. I have two classes to get signed up for next Fall. One of them is with a teacher I have this semester and he already told me he would just sign me in manually so I'm going to do that. As soon as I get him to do that I plan on asking him for my grade and a letter to present to the teacher of the other class I need to stay on track for graduation to sign me in to that class as well. We'll see if it works out.
I got my windshield fixed today. It had a huge crack all the way across it at the top and then another crack that went half way across on the bottom. I went to the cheapest place I was quoted which was like 100 dollars less than the other places and this place has like a lot of advertisement and seemed pretty legit. I realized it wasn't in the best of neighborhoods but I was definitely expecting more than what I got. Needless to say, the place was pretty sketchy but the guys that worked there were nice. I celebrated being alive still after I left with Mark and my ma as a joke.
Maddoxx wants attention so I must tend to the princess. lol
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I have midnight tickets for Mark and I and am soooo excited. I haven't read or looked at or heard any reviews over it and I want to keep it that way. I don't want my experience to be tainted. I wanted to re-read the book before I saw the movie but I don't have the time for it so hopefully they don't leave out any crucial points that I miss because of it.
I didn't post anything here on Transformers 2 because I just disowned blogger lol. However, if you haven't seen it you are a serious disappointment in my eyes and you are keeping from yourself something so awesome and amazing!!! You need to see it. . .several times. I have only seen it once since it came out but my schedule has been pretty packed. I'm sure I will find some more time to watch it because when the first one came out I watched it five times in theatres and then I would watch it everyday when I got home on joox and when it came out on DVD. I LOVE Transformers. Mark bought me a bobblehead Bubblebee yesterday. . .he's so freaking cool! I'm figuring out how to put it on my dash in my car because I call my car the transformer. She even makes her own noise when she starts going fast and all lmao! Oh if you only knew!! I have a '93 toyota corolla [=. LOVE IT! Only ever had one major problem with it, besides a flat tire once.
Monday, July 13, 2009
I am calling for an interview set up to be a Denver Police volunteer tomorrow. I'm excited because I think if I get to do what I want which is working with a certain department doing data entry type stuff and then jumping through the different departments it will definitely help my decision in where I work when I graduate. Besides doing ride-a-longs and junk I'm interested in doing sex offender registry, being the property crime assistant, doing crime mapping analysis, or domestic violence registration stuff. Those are definitely by far the most interesting things I can find on their list of VIP things to do. I'm a little worried about being able to jump around the different departments however because I think the guy is just going to tell me to go do the cadet program or the explorer program. I didn't pass the test for the cadet program which I was extremely disappointed about and I am too old for the explorer program. If he doesn't allow me to do what I want then I will just go back to Aurora and do it through them because I've already done it once before and if they have the space I know they'll let me do it again. I may end up getting a school credit for it too because I do not think that I will be able to get into the classes that I needed to this Fall. Kind of sucks because it's going to put me behind, but I'm learning to take things in stride and everything will fall into place on its own. [=
Upon a trip to the Denver Art Museum this past weekend with Mark and his family I have decided that I really like 60's artwork. Even though the majority of the creations were made while the artist was on LSD you have to think back to any piece of art work or literature and its creator, majority of them were also on drugs or alcoholics. Anyways, I really really love Lee Conklin and you should definitely look up some of his pieces if you ever get the chance. I was so excited to make my own psychedelic 60's poster. It turned out really cool I just wish I had more time to be more creative with it. Anyways, good times. You should definitely check out any exhibits nearby if you can. [= [fyi the picture goes with the womans head at the top but I haven't figured out how to rotate it yet]
I've come to the realization that moving to Tumblr has resulted in a loss of my own creativity. I don't really put the effort into posting what I'm into or what I have to say because I follow so many others on there that it's hard to keep up with doing both. Anyways, I miss it. I'm not fully returning to blogger however I will be making a come back. Plus. . .I've missed the select few followers I followed on here. I need to get that number up. Any recommendations on any interesting, fun, creative, music, food blogs that I should definitely get to know? Feel free to throw out any suggestions.
Recent updates. . .let's see. Fourth of the July I went to Nebraska with Mark, Kyle, Tristin, and [SURPRISE SURPRISE] Jessie and Dane. Problems have yet to resolved on my end with them however I could careless in making the attempt because I know that it's going to be a two against one thing instead of a thing that all three of us should being for Mark. I sucked it up and stayed out there besides my instinct to not even go in the first place. I actually lit off some fireworks that reminded me of Harry Potter wands that's mainly the only reason why I lit them off. I'm terribly scared of them because last summer my uncle shot one off at me and it burned my leg, plus I don't want to blow any limbs off. What did you do for the holiday?
I finally started getting better grades in my inferential stats class tests. The final is Wednesday and I'm hoping that I do well enough on the final that I can bring my grade up at least to a B however if I don't I won't be to disappointed with myself. Despite my rising grades in that class, my online class grades are doing pretty bad. I will probably manage a C in that class as well. For some odd reason this class has been extremely hard for me to keep up in for an online class. I normally really love online classes but this teacher is making me hate them. I'm over summer classes. I want to actually be able to enjoy my time off and get in more hours for work to save up money.
That's pretty much all I got. I'm doing well. Mark is doing well too. Maddoxx is doing great spoiled little princess he is lol. What's going on in your lives? Sorry I deserted yall