Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Anxiety P. II
As I experienced a split second panic attack earlier tonight about financial aid and making sure that I had the money to pay this year's school, I have definitely realized that my anxiety over money is no where near where I had bragged about it being. The feeling of suffocation, the feeling of imminent failure, the feeling of not knowing what is going on with my life are all so terrifying to me. I feel like I have recently lost a lot of my hardworking, determination, organization, multi-tasking skills. I feel like I don't have nearly as many expectations of myself and therefore my grades have slipped, my work ethic has slipped, my attitude has slipped. I find myself continuously forgetting things that I need to do. I procrastinate which is a pet peeve of mine. I don't know if all this is a result of just the summer and I was dying for vacation and since I went to Mexico and Nebraska and had a more open schedule I lost all the things that I prided myself on. I'm more than just disappointed with myself with my online class for this summer. I was not paying attention to due dates, I was not applying myself as much, I missed a quiz, I missed a FREAKIN MIDTERM! I expect so much better of myself. I do not believe that I have lowered my standards in any kind of way and I strongly believe that I should not fall into that trap that is so tempting. I know my true capabilities and I know that there are several things that are adding up to the loss of my focus, my hard work, and so much more. It is so easy to get distracted in life but for me distraction costs me emotionally and mentally. I do not want to let up on everything that I have worked so hard for already. There's no way in hell I can allow myself to be lured into laziness. I liked to be frightened however there are certain things in life that I do not like to be scared of. Failure and money are the top two things that are so interrelated that there is no 1 and 2 or a and b. . .they are one. If I feel I'm experience troubles with one then I have problems with the other as well. I'm hoping that my realization in my faulty ways will jerk me back onto the road I know I need to be on. . .it is not a journey to get back onto this road it's just a matter of switching lanes so to speak. Hopefully. . .as I begin to address the problems that have brought me onto another path, these problems will run together and I will not have to address each one individually.