Sunday, April 4, 2010

Commitment Phobia

I realize today how very seriously bad my commitment phobia is. I am essentially having mini panic attacks before anything has even happened. My parents were pressuring me to not accept the loan Mark is offering me to buy a car because they do not want to see our relationship ruined because of it. i totally agree and definitely think it's a risk, however we have agreed (as a result of today) to set up a minimum monthly payment, no maximum, and no set date of when all the money has to be paid back by. I am ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED to say "I will be able to pay you back by such and such date" because I am so a "what-if" person, for example, what if I got fired or laid off or was forced to quit my job and am out of work for a certain amount of time? ETC ETC ETC. . .every possible scenario that you can think of I will come up with to say "No, I can not commit to a date." I feel really truly terrible about it, because I want to feel comfortable with being able to commit to stuff like a rent payment, an insurance payment, loan payments ETC ETC ETC. You would seriously think that I am the biggest penny pincher that you've ever met that was NOT RAISED DURING THE GREAT DEPRESSION, no joke. I do not necessarily believe that there's much else that I can do to help this problem of mine. I have been watching my bank account and doing my expense reports pretty religiously and although that has helped I do not really know what else would.

I'm so fucking scared to graduate because I am realizing how much money I'm going to be forking out on my own. After looking at my bank account and talking to my mom today I realized that the offer that Shane has made me at $1,000 a month with 26,000 yr salary does not work out. If he is offering $26k a year then the net income would be approximately $1660 a month. After doing some possible expense reports that I would be looking at with a new car, rent, insurance for both health and car, and more what he has offered salary is not something that I could live off of. Although he has offered a second position with a commission income plus the salary position I WILL NOT RELY ON COMMISSION to ensure that I can pay my bills on a month to month basis. I am still job searching and applying and hopefully I find something that pays at least 15 an hour, however I do plan on talking to Shane again and getting final numbers on what he thinks he can offer me, I will tell him look this is the costs that I am looking at and what your offering I can't afford so unfortunately unless i can get a base salary of at least 30k a yr I can not work for him, because I can't rely on the commission. The commission is something that I would love to just throw all into savings.

I was thinking of putting off buying a new car until I graduated but I think that something that would be good and helpful for myself and this commitment phobia is to take on each new expense one at a time and spaced a little bit apart. Mark and I went car shopping this weekend just to get an idea of what type of cars are out there. Just so you know, because of that cash for clunkers, there is slim pickings! I did find a 2003 Mazda 6 with 92k miles, more than what I wanted, that I fell in love with. There are some issues with it like it needs a new windshield and two new front tires, however the manager who came to talk about it offered to throw those in. It also had an issue with the display screen and a storage compartment which they said they would look into. They offered me 10,3 at the store but I found that exact car online for 8,8 and some other same cars, comparable milage and cheaper. I am going to look at the car Monday with my Dad and probably Mark and maybe a make decision. If we do decide that it's something that I should get than I will offer no more than 8,5 for it with all included. I am planning on starting the offer at 7,5. My insurance on it is going to be quite expensive right off the bat however that's my fault! I have two tickets and now an accident so I have to suffer the consequences of those stupid mistakes. Hopefully I can find an insurance company that will adjust as I demonstrate that I am a good, safe, reliable driver. The next expense that I would take on is to be determined. It depends on what job I take, if it offers health insurance, if I have to move out, etc etc. Step by step, day by day.

A lot of bad stuff has happened to me this year, but in about a month I'm graduating college! I finished on time and actually early compared to the amount of time other students are taking. I'm truly proud of myself and I have a lot of shit ahead but I'm learning not to be afraid of pain and bad luck.

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